Over the last few months I've really been struggling with the putting in the effort part. Struggling with... I don't know - my role in this world? Who I am? What I want? Where I'm going? It may be because, oh, I don't know: IT'S THE LAST YEAR BEFORE I'M 40??!! Who knows. I've never had a problem with birthdays before, so actually it may be something else. Bottom line - my contemplation over my life led to me being/doing... nothing! And the more I did nothing, the more I liked it. Motivation? Pshhh. Clean house? Whaaaat? Patience with kids? Uh...
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| My "chore chart" from Motivated Moms with my inspiring magnet on top. At least I got ONE thing done in the past two weeks... |
No desire to clean. No joy in cooking. Frustration with my household duties. Frustration with my kids. Everything I clean is instantly messed up and no one cares or helps. The same thing day after day. Overwhelmed and underpaid (ha!).
I took the advice to "take care of you" and "pamper yourself" (that I've been hearing from numerous sources for years) a little too seriously and my new "home" became my reading nook in my bedroom. My quiet corner is tidy and neat and comfy and cozy. My book, my coffee, my lovely-smelling candle... Away from life. A little spot to read and paint my nails and even have a piece of chocolate now and then. What more could I want?
I was happy/sad about this new state of life. It felt good to do nothing, but I knew it was wrong. My house became out.of.control. Chaos makes me crazy, so it's become a vicious cycle of hiding from the chaos, which causes more chaos. My kids suffered because I wasn't prepared for each day and it was so stressful getting ready for school that I became an out-of-control momzilla, and I usually ended up in tears by 8:30 a.m.
I didn't "sign up" to be a maid, but that's what I felt like and I repeated it to myself and to anyone in my family who would listen. Usually in an irritated voice.
Then a speaker at my moms' group mentioned a Bible verse that knocked me over inside.
Proverbs 14:1
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Whoa. That's what I realized I've been doing. Tearing down my house with my own hands. What a terrible thing. That old saying "When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is true. It wasn't just the physical cleaning, it was the atmosphere I was creating with my lack of caring about anything or anyone except myself. The atmosphere that I was creating by not doing my "job" as a homemaker and mom. Oh, I was "making" my home alright - making it a terrible place to be! I'd started the process of tearing down my house with my own hands.
True, I didn't "sign up" to be a maid. But I DID sign up to be a wife, a mom and to take care of and nurture my home and those who live here. Basically, I need to put on my grownup pants and get on with life. Does that include cleaning? Yep. Does it still include spending time to recharge and relax in my reading nook? Yep. Does it include a much-needed and pretty big attitude adjustment? You betcha. Do I like cleaning now? Nope. But, am I going to do it? Well... ok, ok! Baby steps.
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| We have a LOT of hardwood and Edie was excited to help. At first. It's a long road, girl... |
