Destruction With The Mother! (THE Mother!)

I'm a flat out cold-stone killer, yo. I killed with my bare hands today. I also used The Mother as a weapon of destruction. I took four of 'em down and didn't blink an eye. 
(Please imagine me with a satisfied grimace, arms folded across my chest, eyes squinted and looking...well... mean. What?! It could happen! But wait - is Cold Stone an ice cream place? Is it stone-cold? Whatever, man.)

You know what I'm talking about. Fruit flies. Yo. (My tough-girl accent, that's playing in my head as I write, is quickly turning into a Southern one for some reason, so I need to stop the act. Now.)

I don't know what it is about this year. It's like the plague (up in here... Ok, seriously now, I'm done.) First we had stink bugs. They were everywhere. We were so terrified to accidentally kill one because we had no idea what kind of stink would be unleashed. Could we handle it? Would we recover? We'll never know. We treated those babies like royalty. Escorted them out of the house with fanfare and ceremony.

Now it's fruit flies. I can count on one hand the number of fruit flies I've had flying around my kitchen (and yes, there IS fruit in here) in the ten years we've lived here. We've just been lucky that way. But not this time. Oh, not this time.

I think at first I accidentally-on-purpose missed when I tried to kill them. Or I'd clap them with semi-cupped hands, so I'd be like, "Yeah!" Then I'd open my hands and they'd stick their little fruit-flyish tongues out at me and zip away. Now everything's changed. I hate them. It's violent, but true. Now I clap and smear my hands together, just to make sure I reeeeally got 'em. Got 'em good.

I started to wonder what my neighbors thought. If they happened to be able to see into my kitchen window in the evening when I'm on a good rampage, they may think that I'm doing a really weird dance. With a lot of above-the-head clapping. Step. Clap. Step. Clap. Mouth mild swear words. Clap. Bang the window with my hand. Step. Hit the wall. Clap. I knew there had to be a better way. One that would keep the neighbors from looking at me out of the corner of their eye as I got the mail.

Enter The Mother. Not MY mother, THE Mother. Do you know about this stuff? Apple Cider Vinegar with The Mother? What's The Mother, you ask? Well, let me tell you!

It's the stuff of nightmares.

It's weird floaty stuff in the bottom of the bottle. Stuff a reasonable person would try to avoid. It shouldn't be there, but it is.

If you drink it (which you're supposed to) it will cure you of many many things... as it destroys you. I get heartburn just thinking about it. It will singe your nose hair off. The taste will linger with you for hours. You will shake your fist at The Mother and risk the backlash she brings, because she's THAT bad.

The bottle says it's delightful. WRONG.
It says it's delicious. LIES.
It says you can sprinkle it on popcorn. POPCORN MADE IN HELL.

Here's my tutorial on how to drink ACVWTM 

(Apple Cider Vinegar With The Mother)

Step 1 Plug your nose and measure 1-2 Tablespoons in a glass you plan to throw away.
Step 2 Pour a copious amount of orange juice into said glass. Some say use water...honey...apple juice... NO. You need the acid to mask the acid.
Step 3 Plan to never drink orange juice again because you'll have flashbacks of this upcoming moment. Forever.
Step 4 Plug your nose, take a big breath and chug while doing the yucky dance (this helps distract from the burning in your esophagus).
Step 5 Keep nose plugged and fill your cup with water and chug that, too.
Step 6 One more glass of water with nose plugged....
Step 7 Do a full body shiver and thank the Lord that it's over.

And WHAT, pray tell, are they not filtering
 out?

Ew! Just...ew.

Back to the flies!! I found out that fruit flies actually love The Mother! Maybe because it smells like rotten fruit? Maybe they're tiny masochists? Maybe they just need a mother. Who knows. I read that you can take a jar, put a little ACVWTM in it, make a cone out of paper, put it in the jar and do some fly-catching.

They want The Mother. The Mother wants them.

They go in the cone and theoretically can't get back out. Theoretically. I have witnessed a few that were preeetty smart. They must have been nibbling apples beforehand or something.

But... it's actually working! Within 3 minutes I had four flies in the cone making their way to death and destruction by The Mother.

Follow the mesmerizing lines to
the golden glow...

Oh, they look so happy in there!

They love The Mother.
The Mother loves them.

Evidently, you can catch more flies with vinegar than honey. Well, I haven't actually TRIED catching flies with honey, it sounds pretty messy. But maybe I will. I'll get back to you.

In the meantime, if you have an infestation, try The Mother in a jar. Yo.

p.s. Many fruit flies were hurt in the making of this blog post.