I Feel Like Breaking The World

I was in the store this afternoon and from an aisle somewhere behind me I heard a child in the throes of a tantrum. I'm very (very) familiar with these particular sounds. This wasn't your usual I-want-candy-and-mom-said-no kind of breakdown, though. Again, this sounded so familiar. 

I've always said that Monster Me has needed anger management classes since birth. She has had a fighting spirit since she was born. She gets SO frustrated which turns right into rage. I know this is pretty common with kids, but I feel like she's different, well she's different from Adventure Girl, anyway. I remember when she was about one, I suddenly heard bloody-murder-screaming from her room during nap time. I seriously jumped up and booked it in there, thinking someone had crawled through the window and was torturing her or something. What did I walk in on? Her in her crib with a sock on one hand, screaming in rage because she couldn't get the other sock on her other hand because well... she had a sock on the sock-putting-on hand.

I'm telling you, with MM I didn't say "no" or "don't touch that" over and over. The things I said the most were, "Take a deep breath. Use words. Breath with me. Ask for help. How can I help you?"

I could see frustration building in her with nowhere to go. She would say, through gritted teeth, "I just want to hurt something!! I just want to rip this apart! I just want to break this!!" 

Back to the store. This mama and her five or six year old girl got in line behind me. This sweet thing had long blonde braids, like my sweet thing. This girl wasn't screaming or kicking, just crying and angry and frustrated over whatever had happened. And she kept crying, "I feel like breaking this cart! I feel like breaking the world!"

I got out to my car and tears filled my eyes. I don't know why that struck my heart so much. It was like seeing my own child from an outsider's view. Seeing her frustration without my own frustrated, embarrassed, can't-control-my-own-child, emotions. And I heard her. I felt her need to do something physical to release the frustration. (Because, honestly, don't we ALL feel that way sometimes?)

And her mother. Oh, her mother. Yelling at her to STOP IT? No. Hissing at her to control herself? No. Outwardly expressing embarrassment over her girl's behavior? No. Making excuses to all the other people in line? No. She had her arm around her. She was silent. She was comforting. She may have been inwardly feeling those things. She may have gotten to her car and put her child in, then leaned against the door with tears streaming down her face while she did some deep breathing. (As I have done too many times to count.) But she was calm. She was showing love instead of annoyance. She let her child feel what she was feeling. I could have learned a lot from her. 

So many times MM has told me she feels like being violent when she's angry. I've tried giving her acceptable ways of physically expressing that, like screaming into a pillow, punching a pillow, throwing her pillows against her bed. Poor pillows. But better them than Adventure Girl, who's borne a lot of the brunt of Hurricane Monster Me.

We've made some progress, although even at seven years old we have had massive meltdown public tantrums. I, unlike this store-mama, am not calm, cool and collected. I do all of those things that she didn't do. I am embarrassed that I can't control my child. I'm frazzled and just want it to STOP. I've dragged her along the ground to the car at parks because she pulls the boneless body melt when I pick her up. I've wondered if the police are being called as she's screaming, "NO! NO! NO!" as I try to bolt her into the car.

But, there's progress. I'm assuming (praying) that as a teenager or adult she will have tools to manage her emotions. I don't know. I may be visiting her in jail, but I think she'll (we'll) make it.

All of this to say... these are little (and bigger and some really big) hearts with big emotions and feelings. They are learning. We, as parents, are learning. Our children need tools. Maybe beyond punching a pillow. It's ok to recognize that. 

It's also ok to cheer another mom on who is in the midst of the struggle. In fact, it should be something we strive to do. Whether it's something you've gone through with your own children or not. Moms need to feel like they're not alone. 

Interestingly enough, I said something to this mom, but in the end it was ME who felt like I wasn't alone. Maybe that's where the tears came from. 

Behind the facebook-"fabulous", instagram-"wonderful", pinterest-"perfect" world, there are real people who are struggling. Real women who feel like they don't measure up. Real marriages at the breaking point. Real children who feel like breaking the world. If we step out of hiding, we'll realize we're not alone. You are not alone! And I have lots of pillows if you need to punch one.